A Word About my Background. . .

If it looks like spring threw-up on my blog, that's because I'm dreaming of warmer temps, flowers, warmer temps, leaves on the trees, warmer temps. . .

Words vs. Actions

When I try to think of the way I feel about my husband, three children, and two dogs, I can't seem to find the words. "Blessed, grateful, loved, thankful, . . ." Nope. Those aren't good enough. Words can only do so much to paint a picture of your feelings. I would assume that's intentional. After all, shouldn't it be harder to tell someone you love them than it is to show someone you love them? I wouldn't have always thought this. But, I know that when my child is sick or my husband is frustrated, I find it much easier to hug them than I do to tell them that it will be okay. I will get up at any hour of the night to put a hand on my child's back, or to crawl in their bed when they are scared. I know that even when I'm too tired to hold a good conversation with my sweet husband, I'm never too tired to cuddle with him on the couch.

During this Thanksgiving season, I'm thankful that God didn't just say he loves us. I'm grateful that God showed us he loves. I am loved by Jesus, and by His death, I am blessed.

A Tribute to the Kirbys

A couple of days ago I looked in on my son taking a nap. I had to chuckle because he was laid out on top of his covers, nothing on but boxer briefs. First of all, boxer briefs on little boys are so funny. Second of all, my dad and my older brother ALWAYS had to be walking around without a shirt on. Usually, they only had underwear on. I thought that was common practice in all households. Then, Brian told me otherwise.

Looking at Nolan sprawled across his covers, mouth open and in deep sleep, I could almost see him morph into a teenager. I thought about how hard it would be to wake him up for school in the mornings. I thought about the gigantic appetite he will probably acquire in 10 years. I thought about how long it would be before he was taller than me. I looked at him and thought about the fact that probably every parent sees their child as both fragile and invincible. I'm pretty sure that any parent that holds their child in their arms for the first time is thinking both about the enormous task of keeping them safe, and the bright future that awaits them during a long, happy, healthy life. I know I dance between those two thoughts several times a day. I can't help but think that most parents probably look at their child and see them living forever. No, I'm not talking about eternity in Heaven. I'm talking about sustaining life in a physical body. Thinking about the death of a child is too much. The mere thought is hard to grapple with. So, that day I peeked in on Nolan, I didn't think only about his future. . . I thought about my friends.

Bryan and Samantha Kirby are friends of ours from med school. Bryan and Brian share a lot of common interests, including the most important one. Yes, they are both Georgia Bulldog fans. They both love sports and both have a relationship with Jesus. Samantha and I had a lot in common. She's more shy and soft-spoken than I am, but we enjoy a lot of the same things. We both got a kick out of the fact that we were pretty short and happened to marry guys who weren't. We liked to talk about different recipes and were in Bible study together.

By the time med school rolled around, Bryan and Samantha had been married for longer than most of us had dated. I NEVER saw them fight or angry at each other. In fact, I have only seen them be kind, loving, and supportive to each other. Marriage seemed to come very easy for them. Unfortunately, having children did not.

I'm not sure how long the Kirbys "tried" for a child, but I know a lot of us were already on baby #2 when we received an e-mail titled "Pretty incredible news". That e-mail told us that they were pregnant with twins. We were nothing less than ecstatic for them. I cried. I was so happy that this couple who loved each other so much would be able to share their love with not one, but two children. Sadly, a few weeks later we received an e-mail saying that Samantha had miscarried at about 20 weeks along. I was so heart-broken for them both. We prayed diligently that God would bless them with another baby. Soon, He blessed them with two! Asa and Elijah Kirby were due September 3rd, but were born June 8th. Most of you moms out there just felt your stomach drop. If you've been pregnant, you know that you want your baby to stay put until at least 37 weeks. When talking about weeks, you definitely don't want them to make an appearance in the 20's. But, Asa and Elijah came very early. In their first days, the Kirbys started a blog. Each day I couldn't wait to get home to check the progress of their babies. Every tiny bit of progress was documented. Every scary moment was highlighted with an undertone of hope. I was often amazed at how upbeat and positive the posts were. In fact, one post read "Our boys are fat! Asa went to 1516 g today, but Eli went even higher to 1536 g!" (That's a little over 3 lbs each.) As the weeks went on, the news just kept getting better. There were definitely some hiccups along the way, but before I knew it, I received a message asking for Brian's rib recipe. The boys were celebrating their 2nd birthday! Sure, several of us reading the updates wondered if that day would ever come. Landry prayed every night for the Kirby boys. So did I. I would be willing to bet that there are hundreds of people who can say the same thing.

I wish I could change the earthly ending to this story. On September 21st, I received a call from a friend telling me "The Kirby boys passed away last night." I was very confused. . . then shocked. . . then ultimately crushed. She told me that it looked like their heating system was faulty and turned on over night, heating their upstairs (where the boys' room was) so much that they died of heatstroke. No need to tell you how sick I felt or how much pain I felt as a parent and a friend. No need to tell you the amount of time my mind was consumed by the tragedy that happened. No need to tell you that I still cry for two boys who will never graduate college or get married. And surely no need to tell you that I see my children differently now. I don't love them more (how could I?), but I treasure them more. I feel the reality of the fact that when a child dies, the possibility of what may have come dies with them.

I am writing this post as a tribute to the Kirbys. The day of their boys' death, their facebook status read "Bryan Samantha Kirby are thankful for the time God gave them with Asa Walker and Elijah John". That sentence changed me. I have never seen a thankful heart like that before. Never. What an awesome testament to our God. The Kirbys are an awesome testament to our God.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Rin is 15 months!!!

Need I tell you how fast 15 months has passed? I look at newborn pictures of Corinne and can vaguely remember those fleeting moments. I remember making a conscious effort to hold her for her middle-of-the-night feedings and to cherish every moment. I learned to do that after looking at Landry at a year old and thinking "Wow! Those "impossible" first few weeks really fly by!" I cherished all of Nolan's wee hour feedings, and vowed to do the same for any future children. I knew I wouldn't remember how tired I was the next day, but I would remember the moments sitting by a dim night-light, feeling my baby breathe, smelling that sweet baby smell, hearing those tiny little noises that only a baby can make. I do remember them, but it almost feels surreal. I look at little Rin and see that she is exploding into a toddler and I can't slow her down. She is an amazing little talker. She has been saying very complicated words since she was 9 months. In fact, that is the age she was sitting in her walker and said "Hey Mallory!" No kidding. This girl has an incredible vocabulary. She has called Brian "Daddy" for as long as I can remember. She calls Landry "Sissy", and Nolan " Bro-bro". Today she started saying "outside". She is great at "no", but hasn't grasped the concept of "yes". She is currently addicted (yes, addicted) to Gerber Graduates 'lil crunchies, mild cheddar flavor. She goes through a can every two or three days. They have afforded many enjoyable shopping ventures, and for that I have to say "Thank you, Gerber."

Rin has officially cut all four 1-year-molars. She had a hard time with them, but she's on the upswing.

In short, she's been such a blessing. I don't think it's any secret that she was a "surprise", but I just can't thank God enough for giving her to us. She's got a great big personality and our family would be lost without her. When Landry or Nolan are crying, she drops what she is doing to go hug them. She wakes-up every morning with a smile on her face. When I pick her up out of her crib, she leans back to take her hugs and kisses from her brother. She's a jewel and we couldn't love her more.

August Kids Say. . .

The only thing I can recall from this month is something that Nolan said. This is what I have figured out from having young children. First, there are things you think in your head and dismiss quickly because you are too busy to think them through. Secondly, there are things you think in your head that you are forced to think out because they are pointed out by your 3-year-old and you realize that it is a matter that needs immediate attention. This was one of those moments. I know I need new under-garments. I have had three children in less than five years. In other words, I have been wearing maternity underwear for too long. The only thing good about that is my maternity underwear is actually in much better shape than my non-maternity underwear. Yes, I have failed to buy new underwear for many years now. I have that little thing in my head saying "Just wait. You'll look like you did when you were 20. That's when you will reward yourself with lots of new under-garments." Well, I still look a 32 who has had three children and two c-sections, so I have yet to purchase those black frilly thongs that look good under nothing. But, Nolan had catapulted me into action. My next day to myself, I will be going on a panty hunt. I got out of the shower and grabbed the closest pair of underwear I could find. I didn't think twice about color or shape. I just threw them on and started digging through my shorts to see which ones weren't too wrinkled to wear. Then Nolan came in with the following comment"

Nolan: "Mom, I like your underwear. They're soft with fuzzies on them."

There's a Kindergartener Among Us

I don't know how this happened. I went to bed one night after tucking my newborn in the pack-n-play 2 feet from my bed, and I woke-up the next morning having to walk down the hall to get a 3-foot 9 1/2-inch 5 -year-old out of her full-size bed. She's groggy. I'm awake but still a little confused. What happened to that little bundle of sweetness who had just a little sprinkling of peach fuzz on her head? She now has long, beautiful blonde hair. Her eyes are the same, but everything else has changed. I look at her in awe as she stretches and rolls over to put her feet on the floor. She smiles and starts her dialog about what the day is going to bring. I snap out of my fog as I chase her down the steps giving her directions in step-by-step format for getting ready for her first "full" day of kindergarten. Of course, she only hears about 1/3 of what I say, so I start repeating at a rapid rate. "Hurry. We need to be on-time." I run up the stairs to pluck her siblings from their warm beds. One of them is happy to be starting his first day at his new school, while the other glares at me through watery eyes that are saying "You will pay for this later". And, I did, as she cried for 30 minutes when I put her down for her morning nap. I come back down the stairs and continue to look a my first-born. She's happy. She's excited. She can hardly eat because there is a class and teacher waiting for her arrival, and she doesn't want to disappoint. A warm tingly feeling comes over me. Tears come to my eyes. My throat has a relentless lump in it. My stomach starts to knot-up. I go back and forth in my mind all of the reasons I shouldn't be crying. . . then all of the reasons I should be. Suddenly I look at the clock and realize I should have been out the door two minutes earlier. I shake off my rush of emotions and yell for the kids to "get in and buckle". We race down the driveway and are off to school. Nolan talks about how well he's going to do when I drop him off. He was right. Landry sits in her seat with her headphones on, bopping along to Alvin and the Chipmunks. She has a perma-grin. There's no wiping that smile off . She's on cloud 9. Loving life. Things just couldn't be better. I drop them off into the hands of a stranger. I beat him up with a couple of questions. I give him the look that says "My children are in you hands. Don't mess this up." I "ask" if someone will be walking them to their classrooms. He says they will if I would like. Well, of course I "would like". He takes each child by the hand and escorts them into the front door. I sit there staring. They are happy. They are elated. They are beaming. They are big. I am crushed. Not in the way that breaks your heart, but in the way that holds you under a sentimental grasp for quite some time. That little baby is now a little lady. And I couldn't be more proud.

July Kids Say. . .

I am such a slacker! I have skipped the past couple of months on my "kids say" posts. So, here are the three I remember from July.

We have a black aluminum fence in our back yard. Every morning we sit at the breakfast table and look out into our back yard and see what's going on back there. Most of the time we see our two dogs, some toys left out from the night before, and several birds depleting the bird feeder at a rapid rate. One morning Nolan looked out the window to find the gate of our fence COVERED in bird poop. Our black fence was now a white fence. It was completely covered!

Nolan: "There is bird poop everywhere!!!"

Landry: "Yeah, isn't that amazing? It's like they decorated our fence for us."

Nolan: "Yeah, it's nice of them to do that. I love birds."

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When I was pregnant with Corinne, Landry frequently asked how we got that baby. Since I am saving the birds and bees talk for. . . well. . . never, I told her that we prayed for God to give us a baby. Of course, we prayed for the baby from the day I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) and every day after that. Every time we prayed with the kids, we would pray for our new brother or sister. Still, Landry was pretty relentless in her questions. She wanted to know how the baby got in there, and most of all, how bad was it going to hurt to get that baby out of there? She vividly remembered my c-section incision from having Nolan. She was quite obsessed with it for a while. After Corinne was born, she was just mortified at the whole process. The IV's, the blood pressure checks, the shots, and, of course, the freshly glued incision.

So, one night in July after Brian read Landry her Bible story, Landry looked at me and said "Why did you marry Daddy?" I told her that we were friends and that we loved each other and that we wanted to be married. It was a very quick answer due to the fact that it was way past bed time. The following conversation is what came next.

Landry: "Okay. I'm friends with Four. I like him. He loves me. So, I'm going to marry him."

Me: "Well, you never know. You have a long time before you will be getting married. You might meet someone else that you want to marry."

Landry: "Oh, no. I AM marrying Four."

Me: "Okay. Time to go to sleep. I love you." I start to walk out of the door and Landry sits up.

Landry: "Mom?" Long pause. "Now that I know who I'm going to marry, when do I start praying for God to NOT bring me a baby?"

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In keeping with the above story, Landry has told me several times that she doesn't want to have children. I told her she may change her mind. I've also told her that I would really like to be a grandma someday. So, now she has decided that she will adopt a baby. The other night I was braiding Landry's hair while it was still wet so she could have wavy hair the next day.

Landry: "When you adopt a baby, do you get it for free or do you pay money for it?"

Me: "You pay. A lot."

Landry: "Well, I'm going to pay for a girl baby so I can braid her hair. I'm going to have a daughter. She's going to say 'Mama, you're the best hair briader'. That's the kind of little girl I'm going to adopt. Then I'm going to tell her that I'm so good at it because my mom braided my hair when I was little."

I think that was her way of telling me that she appreciates that I braid her hair. It's a round-about way, but I got the picture. :)